Dad, I love you
This is not our picture. I don't have any picture of us together except probably when I was still a wee baby.
My dad died when I was eleven due to Leukemia. I didn't get to understand it then. All I knew was that he kept going back to the hospital, he was getting thin and was losing some hair.
Now that I have a kid myself, I could only think of how he suffered knowing that there was no longer enough time for us to be together.
Thinking back, my dad was strict, sometimes funny but it was always a comfortable feeling having him around. I was a silly kid in my early years and would get spanked often. And oh how I would run or sometimes shout back!
More often than not, just with the way he called my name, the loudness of his voice or how he looked at me, was enough to let me know if he didn't like something I did. Before he even lift his slipper or hand to hit me, I would have already taken a few steps away or depending on how severe my mistake was (or how guilty I felt), I would run. Sometimes he'll let me go but more often than not, he catches up. After a few minutes of crying and once I've calmed down, he would usually ask me to sit beside him and talk to me about what I did.
There was also late night snacking. He was my movie and church buddy too. Saturday was usually our movie date and Sundays for church. I remember preparing his clothes sometimes. Choosing what shirt he would wear, the color of shoes he'll match it with or the style of hankerchief he would use.
Until now, when there are quiet moments or when I see my 4 year old son playing and having fun, I think of him. He was a big part of my life. It's not true that as time passes by, the hurt diminishes. When I think of how my life would have taken a different turn if he was still here, how he would have wanted to see his grandchild or just how badly I miss him, I still feel it. Probably because of how much time has progressed, I'm grown a little numb to it, but it was never gone.
Dad, thank you for the lessons. If it weren't for the spanking or the talks that followed, I would not have realized my mistakes. Thank you for being the role model. How I am now as a parent is influenced mostly of how you were with me. Thank you for the love. I would have been completely lost during the down times in my life but your love kept me grounded and reminded me of how I should value myself.
The eleven years of my life with you was the start of a journey and while you're no longer here, I will treasure the experience, the memories and will continue this journey hoping we meet again at the end of the road.
I love you Dad.
